The Words of a Crazy Person

It’s tempting for my longtime friends to assume that i am the crazy one in my relationship, because i am far from normal in so many ways.  The chilling truth is that my girlfriend is disturbingly crazy, and frequently speaks nonsense at me unprovoked.  These mad non sequiturs are jarring, shocking, frequently insulting, and i think it’s time, long past time that i tell my friends about what i’ve been going through.

It starts out innocently enough, i’ll be having a normal conversation with her, maybe over coffee, maybe basking in the sunset on the boat docks on a warm day after a run.  Maybe i’ll say something like “i don’t know if a credenza is necessarily the right choice for auxiliary kitchen storage,” and she’ll reply, forcefully, a retort to a gibe i didn’t make, “You’re a credenza!” Alternately, i might say “i sure could go for some bacon for breakfast…” Gleefully: “You’re a bacon!”

At some point i started taking notes, in hopes that some pattern would emerge.  Some way we could get her the help she needs.  i just don’t know what else to do.  Here are the things she’s called me:

• towel
• rice dish
• girl
• butcher
• boat
• family hotel
• sea monster
• Satan
• scrabblegator
• beer
• turkey
• bad sitcom
• butt booger
• table
• cyclops
• harlot
• lesbian
• nopetopus
• scarf
• hypotenuse
• credenza
• communist
• chair
• hobo
• snuggle
• bird
• hipster mart
• poop
• bird
• obama-lover
• monkey
• no
• schwimmer
• chipwich
• lollipop
• booger
• sluggard
• gooey treat
• belly
• contest
• drunk
• wizard
• big damn baby
• liar
• boat
• freeway
• postcard
• buttercup
• wound
• dynamite
• cheeseburger pyramid
• harry potter
• job
• belt
• lulz
• lola
• bacon
• panda
• mutant
• robot
• national grid
• human
• potato
• gangster reindeer
• silver bell
• chicken butt
• bed
• noogie
• liar
• marxist
• imaginary creature
• lizard
• humbug
• creeper
• crone
• cheeto
• queue
• pants
• intertube
• ho-ho
• galleria of jewelry
• froyo
• pony
• six dollars

Please, anyone who can help, do.

Author: rcolonna

crashes, bangs, maniacal laughter.

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