“You don’t look that old”

I feel like i should take the above as a compliment.  More than a few people have said this to me in the past few months.   It’s not like me to think about such things, not the least bit, but it’s happened enough times and is at such odds with how I’ve been feeling that it’s a fine opportunity to navel-gaze.

It should go without saying that i pride myself on a certain sense of immaturity, combined with a stubborn tendency towards cheerfully taking whatever on, prepared or no.

But it’s funny that right when i find myself surrounded with interns, coworkers, and teammates who are near half my age is the same time i’m given cause to question whether or not there’s an end to my ability to just do all the things.

Maybe i can’t get away with drinking beer and eating an appalling diet and just counting on exercise to offset it.

Maybe that’s the reason that i’m now just able to play a good enough centerback long enough to finally get beaten for the goal that costs us the game.  Not fast enough or quick enough to deal with the 23-year-olds on the other team, even if the ones on my team have left it to me.

Maybe that’s why i’ve run the last three long races i’ve run like shit and finished far behind or slowed down my favorite wife.

Why my knee and heel hurt for the first six months of the year and i’ve gotten sick much more than is typical.

Or maybe it’s why i take a few minutes longer to get up and get ready in the morning, and am tired at midnight.

Why i don’t convince myself to ride my bike out to work more.

It’s nice that people still see me as i like to think of myself, but that doesn’t do me any good if that’s suddenly not how i see myself anymore.

My dislike of my birthday has nothing to do with my actual age, but turning 39 has really been the first one that coincided with feeling different.

i hate it.  i refuse to act my age and i’m not about to let my body start making that decision for me, goddammit.

i hate it and i reject it with as much vigor as is available.

Author: rcolonna

crashes, bangs, maniacal laughter.

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