On Foreign Dialects, pt. 2

Continued from On Foreign Dialects:

Things we learn from the teenager.

  • Shnack, or Shmack, adj.: We’re not sure of the pronunciation and neither is she.  Describing something tasty, a fitting snack, logically enough.  Example: “I know he brings his Hot Pockets to work for lunch, but they were looking shmack, so I ate them.”
  • Brik, adj.: Possible this is only her, and comes from a misunderstanding of the word ‘brisk’.  It means ‘brisk’.  Example: “I hope you didn’t park the car far away, ’cause it is brik!”
  • It’s been a minute: A clever way of saying ‘it has been a while’, but used by default.  Example: “I think I shouldn’t have to watch documentaries tonight, because we haven’t, like, done anything fun, I mean, it’s been a minute.”
  • Troop, v.: To travel a long way, particularly to somewhere you didn’t want to go.  “If Wednesday is a half day, can I just stay home?  I mean, what’s the point of me trooping out there if I’m just going to come back?”
  • Dip, v.: To leave or GTFO, sometimes implying abruptness or that the place you’re leaving isn’t any fun.  “The cat heard a noise outside and dipped”
  • The Plug, n.: The connection, the hook-up, the one who makes things happen.  Example: “Annette’s like, the plug, we can wait for her to get home to get dinner.”

On Foreign Dialects

New words and phrases we have learned from the teenager.

We disclaim any responsibility for any outcome of your attempts to use them.  We do so only with caution, as maintaining a shred of the teenager’s respect is crucial to our success as fake parents.

  • Curved, v.: Rejected, ignored with prejudice.
    Example: “Jane tried to talk to me after what she did, but I curved her and walked away.”
  • Finessed, v.: Obtained, via purchase or otherwise.
    Example: “I just finessed a new Canada Goose coat, my mom gave me the money for it.”
  • Extra, adj.: Excessive, particularly pertaining to causing the teenager to have to do something they don’t want to do.
    Example: “The dishes?  But I just picked up my clothes, that’s so extra!”
  • Flexed, v: Showed off, especially a new possession or ability.
    Example: “Samantha was straight up flexing her new Canada Goose coat even though it was 60˚ out!”
  • Roasted, adj. and Burnt, adj.: Completely owned by a joke, trick, or insult.
    Example (after pulling a container out of the fridge and finding it empty, for instance): “Roasted!  Ya burnt!”
  • Force, n.: Someone who tries too hard at things the teenager disapproves of.
    Example: “Ms. Norbury keeps trying to get me to join the math team, she’s such a force!”
  • Gone Ham, v.: To do something with abandon, go crazy.
    Example: “Your boy went ham on that pizza, I must have had like, three slices!”
  • Needs Some Milk, adj.: Has just done something embarrassing. (strong emphasis on milk)
    Example: “Cole just tripped with his lunch and spilled everything, kid needs some milk!”
  • Sus, adj.: Bad, undesirable.  Believed to be derived from ‘suspect’.
    Example: “That Starbucks is sus–it has long lines and is always out of pastries!  I’m going to get a smoothie instead.”

The Words of a Crazy Person

It’s tempting for my longtime friends to assume that i am the crazy one in my relationship, because i am far from normal in so many ways.  The chilling truth is that my girlfriend is disturbingly crazy, and frequently speaks nonsense at me unprovoked.  These mad non sequiturs are jarring, shocking, frequently insulting, and i think it’s time, long past time that i tell my friends about what i’ve been going through.

It starts out innocently enough, i’ll be having a normal conversation with her, maybe over coffee, maybe basking in the sunset on the boat docks on a warm day after a run.  Maybe i’ll say something like “i don’t know if a credenza is necessarily the right choice for auxiliary kitchen storage,” and she’ll reply, forcefully, a retort to a gibe i didn’t make, “You’re a credenza!” Alternately, i might say “i sure could go for some bacon for breakfast…” Gleefully: “You’re a bacon!”

At some point i started taking notes, in hopes that some pattern would emerge.  Some way we could get her the help she needs.  i just don’t know what else to do.  Here are the things she’s called me:

• towel
• rice dish
• girl
• butcher
• boat
• family hotel
• sea monster
• Satan
• scrabblegator
• beer
• turkey
• bad sitcom
• butt booger
• table
• cyclops
• harlot
• lesbian
• nopetopus
• scarf
• hypotenuse
• credenza
• communist
• chair
• hobo
• snuggle
• bird
• hipster mart
• poop
• bird
• obama-lover
• monkey
• no
• schwimmer
• chipwich
• lollipop
• booger
• sluggard
• gooey treat
• belly
• contest
• drunk
• wizard
• big damn baby
• liar
• boat
• freeway
• postcard
• buttercup
• wound
• dynamite
• cheeseburger pyramid
• harry potter
• job
• belt
• lulz
• lola
• bacon
• panda
• mutant
• robot
• national grid
• human
• potato
• gangster reindeer
• silver bell
• chicken butt
• bed
• noogie
• liar
• marxist
• imaginary creature
• lizard
• humbug
• creeper
• crone
• cheeto
• queue
• pants
• intertube
• ho-ho
• galleria of jewelry
• froyo
• pony
• six dollars

Please, anyone who can help, do.